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| I'm on what may be my last 2+ week vacation until I stop working... Depressing? Maybe, but I am trying as hard as I can to take advantage. How does one take advantage you wonder? Don't try at all. Just let everything be and do everything on as much of a whim as possible. The construct, the plan, the order will once again take over as soon as the break is over.
I feel... not ready to accept the reality of my future. I'm definitely not ready to be responsible for human life on a daily basis. I'm not even ready to accept the feigned responsibility for human life which is what I will have on rotations, but I look at my friends who are already doing it, and well... they are doing it. I can do it. I went and saw Valkyrie last night, and was put in my place. I realized, again, that my life is pretty insignificant and the weight that I bear on my shoulders is like a feather to what many before have endured. Any real man would just say, "suck it up, you pussy!" I would agree. Just suck it up.
On a less depressing note... kinda, over the last few years I have had this feeling from time to time that I am about to... realize something. I know, it sounds ludicrous, but I mean REALLY realize something paramount. Something that no one else in the world has realized. Kind of like Newton with gravity sort of thing. I'm usually just sitting around, sometimes I'm driving, but I'm thinking sort of abstractly and I start to feel really weird. It's that feeling like something is right on the tip of your tongue but you can't quite get it out. You know what I'm talking about. It's like that, but so profound that if I did realize whatever it is I'm trying to figure out I am scared of what would happen if I actually did grasp it. I keep thinking of the Matrix (yes, silly) where instead of having to take the pill, I would just be Neo at his desk at work staring at the computer screen after I got yelled at by the bossman, and suddenly I would realize I did not exist in the world I had lived in... so I wouldn't. I would wake up in terrible place perhaps, gone forever from the boundaries of the world I had known. Of course, the "realization" could have other consequences. Here's a list of the possibilities I've considered:
- I "wake up" in another, real world a la The Matrix
- I "wake up" in Heaven
- I "wake up" in Hell
- I gain Heroes-esque powers
- The entire universe implodes at my position, and I end all life
- I have a stroke and die immediately
- I spontaneously combust
- I become irreparably insane, and get institutionalized
- My brain vaporizes, but my body remains, and I become a Ripley's episode
Anyway, I've thought of about a thousand possible consequences, and most of them are pretty negative so you can guess I'm a little apprehensive. But when I get the feeling, it is so seductive, so powerful, that I am helpless in resisting the urge to grab on to the thought. It's just like trying to remember something important that you can't quite remember. You would probably go look it up just to satisfy the craving. This is the same, but I can't look it up because I'm not sure what I'm trying to realize.
Anyway, if it does come to me someday, I hope I don't die. And if I do end up in an institution, someone please bring me Hot Fries... they're the shit. Seriously.
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| The loon pops above the water down the lake.
He holds his breath for so long while he is below.
The loon can't compare to me though.
I've held my breath for six weeks, no break.
There's the sun, finally, behind the clouds.
The breeze isn't quite as cold now.
Watch the butterfly rest on the bow,
hear the water lap, the leaves rustle. I love the tree sounds.
Drop the paddle in the water, let the wind guide.
What's the use in fighting its force?
I'll just let earth's breath give me course.
And rest in place where the wind's died.
I can hardly believe I wish I to go!
The cool mountains lend me dreams
when the city's pressure tests my seams.
But I need to breathe, and I'll pop above water tomorrow.
- For my Ting.
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| What is it that makes me doubt something so true that I already believe it with all my heart? Why would I ever question something so sincere? I've thought about these questions over the last hour, and I honestly have no reasonable answer (which if you know me, you know drives me insane). It's probably the same reason I constantly give myself a pat down about 10-15 times a day to make sure that I my wallet, cellphone, and keys are still there. I know that they're there, I haven't been doing upside down situps or handstands or been on any rollercoasters so naturally my necessities still reside safely in the bottom of my pockets... but I still check over and over again. Why do I do this? Mild insanity, OCD, dementia? Who knows, but it's a much bigger problem when I question the sincerity of someone's love. I try not to, but I've been hurt before. I mean who hasn't, and I suppose I'm just watching out for myself. But I can't do it at the expense of her for whom I now care most deeply. So I'm going to work harder to accept what's true and not test its integrity so much. That's the best I can do.
Damn, what a touchy feely xanga episode. Sorry if you're barfing right now.
Ting, I fucking love you... ; )
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| I woke up early this morning because there had been a storm rolling us. I'm in the Adirondacks right now and the thunder echoes through the mountains; consequently, there's three times as much thunder for every lightning and it wakes me up. I was able to fall back asleep, but I had a crazy dream.
I was working in the pharmacy (I hate working in my dreams, but it happens), and I received a memo via the fax saying that "they" would be testing some sort of alarm or some such thing around noon. I vaguely remember seeing an airplane, but like all the faxes that come into the pharmacy that aren't prescriptions, I pretty much ignored it. It was coming up on my lunch so I told the pharmacist that I was going to take 30 minutes to eat and relax. The pharmacy was extremely busy and we had 3 or 4 techs working too, and I really needed a break. I was on my way to the door to grab my coat when a high frequency screech dropped me immediately to the floor. The sound was continuous but the pulsing made it feel like my ears were being pulled inside out. I thought I was going to puke, piss, and die all at the same time. I couldn't even open my eyes to see if I was the only one that was writhing in agony. I could barely think. In the very deepest recesses of my mind I recalled glancing at the fax and knew it had something to do with this. After about two minutes of the pulsing and screech, it suddenly stopped. I opened my tearing eyes and saw that everyone else, like me, was on the floor wherever they had been standing. I wiped at my ears to see if they were bleeding, but they weren't. I stumbled weakly to the fax machine and grabbed the fax I had only glanced at earlier. "Terror Deterrent Test @ 12:00 PM Today." It had a picture of an airplane with squiggles radiating from it, and at the bottom it showed a stick figure with a blanket. It mentioned that wrapping one's head in thick cloth might lessen the pain. Everyone else was beginning to open their eyes and recover, but not convinced that the test was concluded, I made my way quickly to the coats on the wall. No sooner had I wrapped my head in three or four coats did the screeching and pulsing begin again. The coats. did. not. work... I screamed in agony, but there was no use. I endured the pain another couple of minutes until the screeching stopped. I knew that this time had been the last time. Everyone eventually staggered upright and began talking about the painful event.
I woke up soon after. I still don't know what the heck a "terror deterrent" is, but it sucks. Big time...
"When people run in circles it's a very very... mad world."
I do love Ting though. Lots. And lots. And lots. So that more than makes up for it.
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